he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
