So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
