put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
