Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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