Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
