You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
