Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
