i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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