____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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