DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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