I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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