Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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