I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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