they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
