Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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