apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
