I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
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Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
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Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.