She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?