based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You were trust falling into bushes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
