Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
