There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
