I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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