Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
