Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
