I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
