Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
