Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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