farters have to be the big spoon...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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