I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
