thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
