i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
