I wanna passion pit in your ass
honey bunches of taint.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
