did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Porn is love you can see.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
