Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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