If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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