just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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