Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i will never coherently bang her
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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