you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
