i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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