It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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