New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
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He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.