We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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