Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
