This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
