If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
