I wish my penis had an off switch
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
