Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
