I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
