He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
