Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
