If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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