I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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