**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
