Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He passed out mid-signature
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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