someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
