He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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