he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
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