6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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