Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
